Wanting More...

Has life ever left you wanting more? As I write that question I feel guilty because as Christians we should never have such feelings, but instead should be thankful... right? "Be thankful, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." We should also be content... "Be content with what you have because God has said, never will I leave you, never will I forsake you..."

So I push it all down and refuse it's there... but wait long enough and it comes back up. So I ask... what is it I want? Searching within, honestly, I'm not even sure... but I sit still with it today, still enough to notice my own deep breath and quiet longing for help and clarity as if maybe there is a 3 step formula available to me if I just seek hard enough.

I am 23 years into knowing God. Presently, it feels like I am examining my faith and my heart and why I believe what I believe. For so long I have just accepted what strongly opinionated people say (the type who seem to have God neatly packaged into a box) for fear of their wrath if I dare to disagree. The churning in more recent years keeps getting louder and it sometimes creates fear in me. I don't want to believe I'm somewhat unsettled but I cannot deny it either. I ask God about it often and confess that pat answers just don't seem to work for me anymore. It's simply where I find myself along the journey God has me on. In my "chaos" I long for the neat, clean "3 step formula". I catch myself searching for it and say to myself... "It's the 3 step formula that has gotten me through past obstacles before hasn't it?" Or so I think... nevertheless because it's been my pattern for so long I search for yet another new formula. I need the formula so I can get a hold on this... to control my life... to move on.


What does God think of my "wanting more"? I ask him that often... Is this a normal part of growth or am I having some sort of crisis or is it a type of spiritual warfare? Shouldn't it be neater and cleaner than this? One thing I do sense deeply from God as I sit with him in the chaos... He is always on my side, nothing about me will ever surprise him and he will always love me. As the apostle Paul said... HIS GRACE IS ENOUGH... no matter the situation! The anchor of love is strong enough to hold me steady and keep me safe as the water rages and the waves persist in their effort to submerge and overwhelm.



Sitting longer with these thoughts, it dawns on me... that's all I really need to know. I don't need a formula because no matter how hard I search for one or how much I believed in my fomulas of the past, in reality, there aren't any... I can't formulate love and relationship and that's what God is all about. He loves me, we have a relationship that is organic and morphing and changing all the time. He desires I know Him as best I can this side of heaven, but I keep getting in the way. He waits patiently for me to grow, change and understand. He orchestrates circumstances so my heart has the opportunity to see things more clearly or in a new way. Replacing less than ideal perspectives for new better ones. The only way to reach higher ground is through experience... hard and trying experience and not through manipulating a magical 3 step process. I don't fully know everything about my present chaos, but it is a relief in a weird kind of way to discover that the formula thinking I so often run to is not of God... He is WAY too big for that.


Thinking on the Scriptures I started this post with... I see a little more clearly....


Be content because GOD IS WITH YOU...this big God is with ME, encouraging contentment not because it's a rule to follow and I'll be zapped if I don't, but because He is with me, able to create a quiet confidence, expel fear, calm chaos, and heal hurt with mercy and compassion... I am secure even when I don't realize it or feel it because He is simply with me.

The relational aspect of God shows up too in the encouragement to be thankful... "Be thankful because it is God's will for you IN CHRIST JESUS"... Somehow I am mysteriously in Christ Jesus, secure and eternally safe, protected, loved and known, cherished and always thought of. These thoughts can only bring a sense of thanks for such love.


Formulas, though they may seem neat and clean, will leave us wanting... Understanding love is there, even in chaos and even though we can't always grasp the abiguity of it, somehow settles us securely into quiet confidence, unwavering contentment and heart felt gratitude as we press on along the journey.